Thursday, November 12, 2009

Struggles and Triumphs...

I was looking through my blog tonight and realized it has been a while since I did a "me" update! Ha, imagine that...

It is not necessarily because of lack of time, although there seems to be very little of that these days. It is mostly because I've struggled with what to share. THIS has been a crazy year!

A surprise baby (phone call and two days later, hello newborn) is a HUGE blessing. I LOVE surprises, so it really is fun for me in a way that we got both our children in such a unique exciting way (we had only 4 days notice with Hana). Yet, it also comes with its draw backs.

Hana was just beginning to get pretty independent. I was really starting to enjoy some me time. I was thinking about picking back up a few old hobbies that had totally died in the wake of Mommy-hood. I was beginning to see some of the positives to having an only child and actually appreciate them and be thankful, rather than cry and moan about not having the "quiver full" that I had dreamed of. I was... settling in I guess you'd say. Rocky and I had JUST had a conversation about how it had been two years since we had asked for a second baby and we guessed it was time to let it go and move on, we probably weren't getting another one. We are surrounded by others who are on the waiting list too, most waiting for #1 so we figured surely we had little chance of a second child. I was really actually beginning to embrace it.

You can not imagine my joy and complete disbelief when we got the call about Kai! I was overjoyed and so thankful. So amazed that we get another baby, a newborn! A baby boy! Just couldn't believe it.

But practically overnight I went from having quite a bit more time for me for the first time in years to giving 150% of me 24/7. Not only is a newborn demanding, but I was adoptive breastfeeding which adds even more. Nursing takes time with a newborn (8-10 feedings a day, at LEAST 30 minutes per feeding but usually more), and then I had the added task of cleaning and sterilizing not only bottles for each feeding but bags and tubes from the nursing supplementer. This on top of our already busy ministry lifestyle and a house and family to take care of proved to be quite a lot on my plate. I became emotionally, physically, mentally, culturally and did I mention physically? exhausted!

I'll admit that I've wallered (that's a word folks, I promise) in self pity a time or too in the past months. You know if there is one thing motherhood teaches you, it is how selfish you really are. Seriously! Any selfish people around here? *raising my hand*!

I feel like I am finally getting my head above water in the past weeks. I finally feel like I've struck a balance again. and I am finally feeling like myself again. Brace yourself though, God likes to keep me on my toes! ;o) What will He send our way next!? As Steven Curtis Chapmen says in one of his songs... "Bring it on!"

The Lord has taught me YET AGAIN that He is sufficient for me. He is enough. You know I often read the Old Testament and wonder how God had so much patience with those finicky, impatient and ungrateful Israelites!!! oh... wait a minute... I am exactly like them. I think all human beings must be exactly the same. He doesn't have extra patience for the Israelites or for me, He just IS patient. Can I get an AMEN? When will I get it through my thick skull that I can't get what I need from anywhere else? Thank you for loving me Lord, I don't know why you do.

And so oddly enough, things on the inside start to fall into place again, and things on the outside do too. Interesting how that happens. I suddenly feel like and want to eat healthy again and work out again. I suddenly want to spend more time in worship and prayer, read the Bible. I suddenly have more patience for my children and spouse, more energy to do what needs to be done. Gee, wonder where that came from!? duh!

So I'm struggling through this Mommy thing, this wife thing, this ministry thing. I'm still learning along the way. It is suddenly hitting me, we never EVER stop learning! I'm struggling. And the Lord is blessing me with little triumphs here and there. He winks at me periodically throughout the day, when Hana breaks out into a verse of a praise song and we get to singing it together. Or when I watch her reciting her memory verses while she plays. Or when I watch her and Kai play chase or peek-a-boo. And when my honey comes back from a meeting or something and we get o share how we saw God working while we were apart. When he is playing with the kiddos while I cook dinner. When we spoon and fall asleep at night laughing about something silly we said or did and talking about the day.

God winks at me all the time and suddenly I have eyes to see it again. His gentle love and abounding grace for me will never cease to amaze me. Finicky little ol' me!

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